I Need To Be Thinner
by INeedYouBoth
Summary: Kurt and Blaine are living it up in New York apartment. Both of them with jobs they love, but what happens when Kurt starts to think he's to fat and ugly for Blaine to love him, there's only one thing he can do to keep Blaine from leaving him. He need to get thinner T for now, most likely M for later Chapters.
1. Chapter 1

I start at myself in my long glass mirror.

Fat.

Gross.

Unwanted.

That's all I see. Well that my stupid baby, gay face, my thighs which are too close together for my liking, and mostly my jiggly disgusting stomach. I hear my it growl, _No._ The last time I ate was yesterday morning, when Blaine practically force fed me a piece of toast, saying 'Come on Kurt you look like you're about to faint, when was the last time you ate' To avoid answering I shoved the butter covered, carb infested junk into my mouth. So far I've lost about twelve pounds since last week but that's not good enough if I want Blaine to stay I need to speed up the process.

* * *

ONE WEEK EARLIER.

_I was preparing dinner for Blaine and I, he was supposed to be home from work any minute. Just as I was taking the lasonya out of the oven I heard the door open and Blaine call out._

_"Honey, I'm home!" He said in the cheesy sixties movie way._

_"You are so adorable it's almost hot" I replied as I walked over toward the door and pressed my lips to his. "How was work?"_

_"Oh it was fine, got to see a lot of talent." he said with a smile._

_Blaine works at a recording company, after his love for music. With him wanting to have a family he couldn't go after his dream and move to LA, or try to get on Broadway, so he wants to try to make other people's dreams come true for them._

_"Well I spent the last hour and a half making a delicious dinner for you so come sit your booty down and eat" I stated. Then with a flirtatious smirk added, " And maybe you can have some desert after"._

_"I think I would like that" he replied with wink._

_We started eating and half way through I took another roll Blaine spoke. " Damn, you must be hungry." Completely joking. Ouch. That hurt, and I placed the roll back on the plate._

_He could tell that I was upset and commented, "Oh honey, I was just kidding, I didn't mean it" he said._

_"I know." I retorted, " I just realized I'm already getting full." I smiled and stood up to clear the table, also ending the conversation before it grew into something more._

* * *

Now, a week later and the thought is still in the back of my brain. I needed to lose more weight. Blaine can't have a fat boyfriend, and if I don't he'll leave me for someone hotter and sexier, someone with a lower voice, and not as annoying. I just have to change and then I will be perfect. I finally smile as I look at myself, 'skinnier' is the last thought in my mind as I swallow two diet pills for the pharmacy down the street.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everybody! I am literally blow away by how many people actually read this. Here is the next Chapter I will try working on the third depending on if you all still want me to write. Warning there may be a small trigger for some people. I hope you enjoy. **

* * *

I wake up feeling like I have the worlds worst hangover. I just feel so out of it lately and that's not a good thing. If I start acting tired or hungry, Blaine will notice. I force myself out of bed with a groan. The noise causes Blaine to stir awake.

"Hey cutie" he says still in a dream like state. "Come here" I give him a confused smile. God he's so gorgeous and I'm just this disgusting thing he's forcing him self to love. "Come here" he repeats, and I hesitantly walk toward him.

"What?" I ask and he grabs my hand and pulls me down on top of him. "kiss me" he says.

"Oh no, I have awful morning breath" I protest, as I try to wiggle my way out of hes arms. If I kiss him this early I know exactly what it will lead to and I can't let Blaine see my body, it's not perfect yet.

He gives me a small pout. "Ugh fine, whatever I don't need your kisses, I can just go find someone else." he says with a flirtatious daring look. I know deep down he would never go to someone else, or at least hoped, but hearing him say that crushes any bit of the hope I have left. _Shit. _I can feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. I force most of them away, and the few that fall I wipe away without him noticing. I throw a quick, joking, " You do that" with a fake chuckle and walk over to our bathroom, lock the door and turn on the shower. I peal of all my clothes and just stare at what is the abomination I call a body. Why do I have to be so gross. Tear fall down my face, me doing nothing to stop them. I grab my stomach and look at it from different sides. Nothing changes I'm still fat and repulsive. Suddenly without thinking I drag my nails across the pale skin, small red lines seem, but within seconds fade. I do it again but this time adding more pressure, it does the same thing but the marks stay there for longer. I feel excitement bubble inside me for the first time in a week. I frantically look around for a sharp object, anything to get that bubbly feeling back. I spot my razor on the side of the sink. Carefully, I press it down on my stomach, not moving it or anything. When I move it away I see a dark line, the skin has barely broken but I can see little places were blood it breaking through. My heart is beating faster and faster, and right as I'm about to do it again there's a loud _Bang! _

"Sweetie you almost done in there?" Blaine yells, I hadn't realized how long I was in there, and I haven't even gotten in the shower yet.

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute" I lie, and hop in to the semi warm water and quickly start to wash my hair, my heart still beating hard.

* * *

I walk into the kitchen, dressed in my Saturday clothes still towel drying my hair. I see Blaine in just he's boxers and Beauty and the Beast shirt, dancing to the music on the radio as he cooks breakfast. I come up behind him and kiss him on he's neck. "Hey".

"Why hello Mr. lets take forever in the shower" he giggles, "Your food is almost done and I didn't want it to get cold" he finished.

"Well aren't you just the best boyfriend ever" I declare.

"Guilty" he smiles while he sits down placing both our plates on the table. My heart stops, I hadn't thought about when Blaine said food he expected me to eat, like he didn't already see the large lump of fat in front of him. So far it was easy do dodge eating because we both had work, so we never really ate breakfast or lunch together, and dinner was easy I just either said I had already eaten and just made him something, or I would go to bed before he got home avoiding any questions I couldn't answer. Blaine doesn't understand that not everyone is perfect like him, not all of us have amazing abs and a tan body, it's just so unfair how perfect Blaine is and here I am working my ass of when he just sits there... Stop Kurt. Your doing this for Blaine no need to get jealous because he looks better. Okay breath calm down. During my inside monologue I hadn't noticed Blaine had started eating and was looking at me confused.

"Honey, is something wrong. Is the food not good. I can make you something else." he says sweetly with he's big hazel puppy dog eye's staring at me.

"No it's perfect, I just realized" think quick Kurt quick "I have some work I need to finish so I think I'm going to eat in my office, is that okay" I say as I start to stand up. I can tell he's disappointed, considering that we never get to eat together and more. Looking down at he's plate he gives a small nod and says.

"Yeah that's fine, I understand."

"Thanks" I retort and rush back to the hallway and into my office. Closing the door behind me, I spot the trash can across the room in the corner and dump all the nicely made food into it. I have a small feeling of guilt because Blaine worked so hard to make it, but it's over powered by the small sense of achievement in avoiding yet another meal.

* * *

**Like it? I hope. Please review, even if all you want to say is how much you hate it. **

**Till next Chapter. -Grace**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey people, I don't really know how many of you are still interested in this, but here is the next chapter. Hopefully it's a little more dramatic! Love y'all.**

I sit in my office a little while longer, so Blaine wouldn't get suspicious, listening to the rain hit the glass windows. I remember days back when Blaine and I had just met and we would often hang out in his door room on rainy Saturdays just watching Disney movies, eating junk food and telling our deepest secrets. One of those times was when he told me he liked me as more than a friend.

6 YEARS AGO

_"Just kiss the girl..." _

_The TV echoed around the room. It was dark, Blaine and I seated on his bed, our previous conversation about old crushes had just ended and silence filled the room, the only thing breaking was the patter of the rain and "The Little Mermaid", which was on repeat. _

_"Kurt..."_

_"Yes Blaine?_

_"I just wanted to say... that..uh.. never mind it's stupid." Blaine turns his attention back to the television screen. _

_"Come on, you can tell me anything" I insist. _

_"Well I just kind of am starting to have feelings for this guy and wanted some advice"_

_"Okay... Well first I have to ask, he is legal right?" I joke. Remembering his previous crush on Jeremiah that didn't work out. _

_He laughs "Yes very legal... it's just we're friends, great friends and I really don't want to mess that up and I think that if I tell him he won't like me back and then it will be really awkward and he's just so amazing and-"_

_"Stop rambling, breath. First he would be crazy to not like you back, and second if you like this guy as much as it seems you do, than go for it. Otherwise you will spend the rest of the time thinking what could have happened". _

_I am a little hurt just because I'm giving love advice to the love of my life, but something about seeing him happy makes it okay. Just as think the conversation is over and that the second were done watching the movie for the fourth time, he'll call up what's his face and profess his love for him, Blaine leans in and stops just as his face is a couple of inches away. His eyes dance their way around my face, looking for any sign of emotion, but I'm in complete shock by how close his face is, how I can feel his warm breath on my face which smells like his morning coffee and spearmint. He closes the distance, pressing our lips together. I'm so surprised at first that I forget to kiss back and I Blaine takes it as a negative pulling away._

_"I'm sorry.. I..I shouldn't have.. have done that." he says looking down, and I can see tears start to fall from his eyes. The initial shock starts to wear off, and I realize I should probably do something. _

_I lift up his chin, directing his eyes to look at me, which are still dripping with tears. _

_"Don't be" and I surge forward connecting our lips on more. This time is different, the first one was quick but slow and barley and pressure. This one is fast, but not messy and long. His lips are the softest things in the world, I could just picture myself kissing him forever. I'm on cloud nine, and just when I think it can't get better he slowly pulls back, our noses still touching and whispers,_

_"Be my boyfriend?_

_I answer him with another kiss._

END FLASHBACK

I miss those days, were we didn't have a care in the world. Spending hours just kissing and taking in each other. Things were so much simpler then. The major one being I didn't have to worry as much about my weight. Now I'm not saying that I was a lazy ass and eat at McDonalds every night but I could afford to eat junk food now and then. But it not the same I don't get the privilege of eating anymore. I've abused it to much and now I'm paying for it.

If Blaine knew what I was doing I know he would just feed me a whole bunch of lies about how perfectly imperfect and amazing I am. But that's all they are lies.

As I walk out of my office I see Blaine relaxing on the couch back toward me, giggling.

"Yeah, totally he has no idea. Of course I won't tell him" I hear. What? Are they talking about me? But Blaine doesn't keep secrets, honesty is what our relationship is based on. We always tell each other what's going on. Now my situation is different, Blaine doesn't need to know about my diet, it's just a diet and it's for his benefit. But apparently he doesn't feel he can trust me, considering he's on the phone talking about how he won't tell me something. What could he be hiding? Then the thought of maybe he's not hiding something, but someone one.

I see Blaine laugh about yet another hilarious thing the bastard on the other end of the phones said, before he hangs up. As I walk out of the shadows in the hallway he turns his head toward me.

"You finished?"

At first I have no idea what he's talking about, but then I remember he thought I was doing work in my office.

"Oh yeah, I didn't have much." I reply

He smiles, "Good because I think today is the perfect day to be lazy, eat junk food, and watch movies, like old times. Sound good?"

"Sounds perfect" I put on a fake smile when all I want to do is cry because old times seem so much better than now.

* * *

We sit cuddled on the couch as the "Finding Nemo" plays, his arms wrapped around me. He grabs a piece of popcorn from the bowl front of us and brings it to my mouth.

"Open"

I shake my head. "Blaine do you know how much fat is in that" I say, arching my eyebrow.

"Yes and it's also filled with deliciousness, come one piece."

"Nope"

"You know I like it a lot better when you weren't on this stupid diet, and it's not like you need it..." I'm surprised by how angry he's getting about such a small thing.

"Blaine I just don't want to eat!" I yell "... the popcorn". I finish as a side note.

"Whatever" he dismisses.

" Are you really mad at me about this?" By now I can't even pretend to go back to the movie.

"Yes because you are perfect and don't need to go on a silly diet and one piece of junk food isn't going to kill you!" Yes but you leaving me will, I think.

"What...?" he says confused but with a bit of angry still in his voice.

"Shit, I said that about loud". My brain stops thinking.

"Why would I ever leave you Kurt?" he asks, now facing me on the couch. "You are perfect and I love you, you such and amazing person. Anyone who be crazy not to-"

"STOP! Okay! I'm not perfect no matter how many times you say it. And you will leave me because I'm fat, ugly disgusting thing. That's why I can't eat the fucking popcorn!"

The room grows uncomfortably quiet. I hear my breathing start to slow back to a regular pace.

"Kurt..."

And that is when I get up, and walk back to our bedroom slamming the door hard, not because I'm mad at Blaine, but because I can't stand to see the man I love look at me with such sympathy.

**Please review! 3**


	4. Chapter 4

**Next update! Sorry it's shorter than the ones I've been writing lately but hopefully I'll have another up tomorrow or the next day. Warning this is a really sad chapter...again. Don't hurt me please. **

**Anyway enjoy!**

I hear a soft knock on the door, followed by an even softer, "Kurt..".

I've been lying on our bed, not bothering to get under the covers. Just going over in our conversation in my head. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I tell him? Now he's going to want to talk about it all and I can't do that right now. Or ever. Once we talk and I explain then he'll realize I'm right and leave me.

Taking away the tear-stained pillow from face I yell back a slightly incoherent "Go away!".

"I really think we should talk... Don't you?" And then I hear the slight click of the door open, and then feel the pressure as he sits on the bed.

"Kurt..." he says again as he starts to drag his hand up and down my back. I shake it off immediately, I don't feel like talking to him, never mind being touched.

"Look at me... please" there's pleading in his voice. And as I bring my head from the pillow once again I see that I'm not the only one that'd be crying.

"We need to talk" he states, and when I don't say anything continues, "we use to be able to talk about everything, why not now...?"

I start to grow angry because he's being about the biggest hypocrite and before I can think I snap back at him, "Yeah and what about you! Mr 'I won't tell him', yeah I heard you when you were on the phone. What was all that shit about?" I'm still laying down on the bed but have tried my best to not to look at him, till now. At first he looks confused and then realizes what I'm talking about.

"Kurt.. That was nothing, well something but is unimportant right now"

"Oh, so you can preach on and on about how I should be honest when you won't even be!"

I see him take a deep slow breath, and then, "Why do you think your fat?"

I can tell hes just bring this up to avoid the conversation about his secret, but him doing so just hits a spot in me, about how I failed to be a good boyfriend. I was so lucky to have Blaine in the first place why did I have to ruin it? I turn away from him shoving my face into the pillow again. God! I'm just a blubbering baby, why can't I just man up and tell him how I feel. How I not good enough, how I'll probably never be good enough and he should just move on and find someone else. But I can't do that because I'm too afraid he'll actually do it, and then I will really be all alone.

"What the hell is going on Kurt?" he whispers.

"I'm just not good enough for you..." I guess I can start with the truth.

"Of course you are love, I am the luckiest man to have you" I started to shake my head half way through his sentence. He's such a bad liar.

"Stop lying! I'm hideous and overweight and...and.. just plain awful. How can you not see that?! You're just too gorgeous to love me. It's unbelievable how you still do, so just stop ...leave." I choke out. I know how much I'm hurting him, but I don't deserve to have him stay. There's a long silence, and that's when I notice the door close shut and that he'd listened. He knows I'm right, and has left.

**You guys are absolutely amazing at reviewing. Please continue, love you all!  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**So as promised, here's the next chapter. Warning big trigger for some people. The song I used is Breath Me by Sia, I'll put the link at the end. Once again enjoy.**

The room is small and cold not that I really care anymore. Everything in my life is shit. I've been lying on my bed for who knows how long, just wishing for Blaine would come back and hold me in his arms. But he doesn't want me anymore. I don't even know where he went, a couple of minutes after he closed the door I heard the front door open and him leave the apartment all together. Since then I've gone from hysterical crying, to yelling, to more crying, to just staring up at the ceiling. I can't cry anymore, I don't think I have anymore tears in me. I think during some time I heard my phone go off, not that I would have answered it. Now I just continued to stare up and feel absolutely numb. Like nothing matters. I could die right now and no one would care, especially me. I stand up and head into the bathroom already know what will make me feel someone, anything.

_Help, i have done it, again_

_I, have been here many times before_

_hurt myself again today_

_and, the worst part is there's no one else to blame_

I see the razor I used this morning still on the counter. Unlike earlier my pulse doesn't increase, I just don't care anymore. I bring the blade to the inside of my arm and lightly drag it across.

_be my friend_

_hold me, wrap me up_

_unfold me, i am small and needy_

_warm me up and breathe me_

Everytime I push deeper and deeper, finally feel something. Other than the pain of being alone. I don't even realize tears start to fall down my face, I'm only focused on the beautiful sight of blood dripping down my arm. It's a dark red, and looks like a Garnet gemstone against a pearl.

_ouch, i have lost myself again_

_lost, myself and i am nowhere to be found_

_yeah. i think that i might break_

_lost myself again and, i feel unsafe_

I hate myself. Everything about me. My face, my weight. How no one can seem to love me, but who could blame them. I am the one a fault in all of this. By now my arm is full of deep red lines. I don't hear anything.

_be my friend,_

_hold me, wrap me up_

_unfold me, i am small and needy_

_warm me up and breathe me_

There's blood all over my arm and the marble floor. I start to feel dizzy but I don't feel scared, or like I should stop. I need to feel something and I'm just so tired, tired of all the pain, and the self loathing. I just want to sleep. Right then everything goes black.

_be my friend,_

_hold me, wrap me up_

_unfold me, i am small and needy_

_warm me up and breathe me_

* * *

Ow. Is the first thing I feel. It's dark, and I can feel the cold bathroom floor beneath me. I slowly stand and search the wall for the light. Right as I flip it on I flinch but as my eyes adjust I see my reflection in the long mirror. My hair is everywhere, my closes are wrinkled, and my eyes are sunken in. I just look at me, _how pathetic _I think. I feel my arm twitch and look down to see more than a dozen, crusted over, cuts that I lightly trace with my fingers. There's still dried blood that I wipe off with water. Then I take water in my hands and gently wipe my face, after I look around the room spotting the razor on the ground I pick it up and hide it in my drawer. Walking out of the bathroom in to our- no my bedroom, I notice the house is still as silent as it has been for hours. As I throw myself on to my bed I hear the light buzy of my phone. I grab it and see I have about five messages, and a miss call.

I read the text messages first,

_Kurt I'm sorry I left I just knew you needed time alone. xoBlaine_

Wrong. I didn't want to be alone. An hour later,

_Is it okay if I come home, it's getting late. xoBlaine_

Then,

_Are you mad at me? xoBlaine_

Followed by,

_I understand if you are, please just answer me. xoBlaine_

_Kurt? xoBlaine_

Finally, the text I've just received about another hour after the last says,

_Okay I'm staying at a hotel for now, I just don't want to bother you. Please text me that you're okay? That's all I care about. xoBlaine_

I'm baffled, I just don't know what to say. After a couple of minutes of thinking I send a quick,

_I'm fine. -Kurt_

Then turning off my phone, not caring about his reply, and once again falling back down on the bed. I curl up into a ball, pulling the covers to my chin, wishing someone was there to hold me as I fall asleep.

**I really hope you all like it and as always please review!**

**Here's the song: /watch?v=fZly12eGpNA**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey Sorry! I know I haven't been updating as often as I was, but never the less here is the next chapter. Enjoy and please review!**

I wake up like every morning like all the others lately, tired and hungry. Sunlight shines threw the window, reminding me that I have to get up. As I walk in to the kitchen I start to make a cup of coffee, twenty-two calories I remind myself, Blaine might not love me right now but if I keep work he could change his mind. Its been about a week since _the night_, as I'm referring to it. When all the loneliness got to much and well my arm still shows the result in that. I haven't spoken to Blaine since that morning after, which had just been his response I had ignored.

_I'm glad your okay, Goodnight. xoBlaine_

There was a couple after that, mostly just lies saying,

_I love you._

_I miss you._

And crap that he obviously doesn't mean, he probably feels guilty.

I however feel awful and like I should hate him for leaving, but at the same I understand why he did. That's why I'm still continuing my diet. I still go to work everyday, then sometimes the gym, and after come home to our- I guess my empty apartment, just hoping that he would call or come back and just tell me he loves me, that's just wishful thinking I tell myself over and over.

This particular night, exactly nine days since he left, 200 hours since his last text, and just as I'm walking through the door after another long day of having a broken heart, I see him cute as ever standing in the living room. I just stand there shocked with my mouth open, trying to comprehend the situation. That's when he asks,

"Can we talk?"

* * *

**Blaine POV**

I've been sitting in our living room, just waiting for Kurt to return. I know he may not want to see me, considering he hasn't returned any of my messages. I just want to know what I did wrong. You must be a really crappy boyfriend, if they think there not good enough.

Right then the door opens, and I quickly stand up, and face him. God he's so beautiful, I've just missed him so much. He looks speechless, and that's when I ask if we can talk.

"..sure" he replies. Putting his stuff on the counter, I sit down on the couch again gesturing for him to do the same. He sits down in the single chair instead. A part of that shoots a pain in my chest, but I push it a small feeling of awkwardness in the silence

"...I miss you.." he says. I'm surprised and relived but at the same time him saying this just about breaks my heart. The worst part is that I know it's all my fault. I'm the one that left, I should have been there for him. _God!_ I'm just such and idiot, I'm the one that caused him pain.

Tears start to well in my eyes, "I miss you too"

"So..." he says, eyes glued to the floor. That's when I remembered I'm the one that wanted to speak to him.

"Well it's just we haven't really talked about what happened..."

"We don't need to". he cuts in sharply, his eyes snapping up to mine, any sign of his former shyness completely gone.

"_Kurt_... I really think we should discuss this, starting with... why you aren't eating." I try to slowly ease in to the topic. His eyes pour into mine saying _don't even go there_.

"I can even see just from looking at you that your to thin, you look almost sick" I comment, "When was the last time you ate? Kurt you really need to take care of your self better" I know I sound like a judgmental bitch right now but I just want Kurt to be healthy.

His gaze is still fix on me, "I ate this morning" he said matter of factly. I knew he was lying. Knowing someone for as long as Kurt and I did you tend to pick up on things like this, adding to the fact that Kurt and I are- Were closer than most people.

"Don't lie."

"Okay a while ago"

"How long?" I ask more seriously

"About four da-"

"What!?" I quickly jump off the couch, kneeling in front of him, I thought maybe he might be having a little self esteem issues but to force your self to refuse food for almost a week, and to think all this time I was giving him his space when really all he need was me to be there. I start looking around his body, making sure he was still intact.

"Baby..." I grab his face in my hands, once again tears welling in my eyes. "Why" It's a loaded question, I know, but it seems the only thing I'm able to say.

"..." He remands quite, and just as I'm about to ask again he states, "I wanted to be thinner... I just need to be thinner!" he snaps. And that's when the strong hold he has had on himself since he walked through the door breaks and his head falls on to my shoulder, I gently pat his back as he cries.

"Come on.." I pick him up, and it scares me how easy he is to carry. I walk into the bedroom, and lay him down. I leave the room for a couple of minutes, coming back with a glass of water and soup. I spotting his tired, broken body on the bed kills me.

"Sweetie" he looks up as I call out. I sit on the edge of the bed, setting the water on the night table and holding the soup in my hands, I scoop some up and blow on it making sure it's not to hot.

"Open..?" I carefully say, it ends up being more of a question, remembering what happened last time I tried to feed him something.

He shakes his head and utters a small no.

"Please _Kurt_" and that's when he slowly opens his mouth, fear in his eyes with a small look of relief as he allows him self to eat. After he's finished the bowl, and taken tiny sips of water he scoots over on the bed and pats the place next to him. I look up into his eye them pleading for me to just say yes. I'm hesitant because I don't want to hurt him, not speaking emotionally, not that I want to do that either, but physically because he looks so fragile. I lay down holding him in my arms, and softly start to sing,

_"I think your pretty without any make up on" _

He looks up and his amazing light mix color eyes showing so much emotion.

"I love you.." I can tell he's afraid I won't say it back.

"I love you too" I say confidently, he inches in slowly and our lips meet in a sweet, slow caring kiss. I've missed everything about this, just the raw emotion. We break apart and I start to sing again as he falls asleep in my arms.

**I know, I switch POV! And I also know I hate it when other people do this, but I just want to know what you guys think. Do you like Blaine's pov more than Kurt's or should this just be a one time thing? Tell me in the reviews! Thanks, and I'll try not to take as long updating! Love All Of You!**


	7. Chapter 7

**So... I took long updating again. Don't really have an excuse beside the fact of me being a douche. Any way in the spirit of St. Patrick's day, and for AVPSY coming out Friday, here you go!**

I start to wake up, opening my eyes, and feeling wonderful for finally getting a good nights sleep. There is a slight movement on the bed, and Blaine's strong arms wrap tighter around me, pulling me into hes chest.

"Good morning beautiful" he whispers in my ear.

I don't say anything, mostly because I'm speechless and because I just want to put all of my attention into being in he arms. I sink lower in to his grasp. Soaking in the feeling of having someone there to protect me. But, I think to myself, from what? I know the answer...me. The only person Blaine needs to save me from is _me_. Which is really confusing this early in the morning, and I would much rather go back to thinking of Blaine's strong arms. So I push the thought out of my mind for later, going back to the romantic moment before.

I turn around in our bed so I'm inches away from his face, "Good morning" I'm still in a sleep state so it probably came out a lot less coherent then I aimed it to be.

"What do you want for breakfast?" he questions, acting like he isn't judging every emotion that crosses my face. Honestly I'm starving, but there's still this fear in the back of my mind that I'm not good enough for Blaine. I mean just last night he catered to me, caring me to bed, making me soup, he is absolutely the best man anyone could have... and compared to me...I'm nothing. But I have to try for Blaine, I just hope it is easier then it sounds.

* * *

As a matter of fact it was a lot easier than I thought, at least with Blaine there along with me, constantly reminding me that I'm beautiful and gorgeous, breakfast went very swimmingly.

Though I don't think it's going to continue to go like this, I already feel a need to run to the toilet every time Blaine looks at me. I mean he can't possibly be proud to call me his boyfriend. Just look at me. But that shouldn't be on my mind right now, now I'm planning an outfit for tonight. Blaine thought it might be good if I got out of the house, were apparently going to go out with a couple of his work buddies at this new club...Sounds just like a reason to get drunk of a Friday, if you ask me. None the less, I promise.

I go back to sorting through my closet and glance down at my wrist. There are still the white horizontal lines all the way up my forearm, Blaine has yet to notice them. That it self hurts a lot, you'd think someone who loved you as much as they said would notice. Just another reason I think he's lying. But anyway it's a good thing he hasn't realized they're there because if he does he'll also realize just how disgusting I've been telling him I am.

I'm still staring at my arm when there's a tiny voice in my head that just says _do it_. I don't know what it is, but I feel this need to listen. The next thing I know I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, razor in hand. Just admiring it. I slowing drag it across the edge of my wrist. Small red dots appear and it's like I've never seem something so alive. It's just one ity bitty cut. But then I do it again, just under the one before. And then a third time. I marvel in the pain. I hear the sound of keys jostling the locked front door and quickly clean up and scurry back into the bedroom and to my closet.

Just as I hear a soft knock on the door, acting as if I'm putting together the finishing touches on my outfit, white long sleeve with my black vest and jeans.

"Hey cutie" he speaks in a sultry voice. "Almost ready to go?"

"Um.. yeah just need to change" I reply in a way that imply's I want some privacy. Obviously being oblivious, Blaine doesn't catch on.

I just pick up my clothes and head to the bathroom. While changing I'm grateful for pick a shirt with long sleeves, I've never been one for make up and I don't thing the club will be dark enough to hide them. I stare into the mirror after putting on my pants, and as my hands flatten out my shirt my eyes glue to my waist. _God_, it's just so big. I take a deep breath. _In and out. _I open the bathroom door ready to leave and just enjoy my night, be there's a small feeling of fear the night will go wrong.

* * *

The music is loud. Like really loud. It's actually really annoying, but once I get with a few drinks in my system I start to care less and less. I'm currently drink _something_ that taste like strawberries and pure amazingness, when I see Blaine on the dance for with some of his friends. He shoots me a little smirk just daring me to come over there. So I do just that.

I strut over to him, sliding up so were chest to chest. We suddenly don't notice anyone else in the room just us, the music, and something like pure sex. He grabs my hips closer to his, and I throw my head back. _God that feels good._

We dance for what seems for ever tell Blaine motions for us to go to the bar. He orders another beer, but me already feeling somewhat sober orders water.

"Thanks" I tell the bartender that brings us our drinks.

"Sooo... _Kurt._" Blaine looks over to me, head cocked with a look on his face that is anything but innocent. He slowing leans in and whispers, "Let's get out of here"

And then all the fun that I had been having that night goes away. The drinking, the feeling free, like I could do anything. All of it goes away because, when Blaine says he want to leave it means he wants to go home and have sex. Which a month ago I would have been all for it, I mean just look at Blaine's body. But now, Blaine can't see my body, one that marks on my arms he might be drunk but not that drunk, and two I'm still _fat. _ He would be so grossed out.

Keeping a straight face I look at him, "Yeah we should probably get home." And then drag him by his hand through the crowd of people and out into the cold city night, flagging down a taxi quickly shooting him the apartment address.

Throughout the whole fifteen minute ride home, I'm constantly trying to get Blaine to stop sucking on my neck.

"Baine..bayby stop." I say with a small chuckle for about the hundredth time just as we pull up to the apartment. I struggle getting Blaine out of the car and hand the cab driver his money than steer a wobbly Blaine in to the building and to the elevator.

* * *

I open the door, apparently finding your keys with stopping a very horny boyfriend from grabbing your ass every second his difficult. Who would have known. But thankfully I got us both back safe.

Once were both in to our room I quickly put on my pajamas while Blaine is distracted with one of our pillows. Then I head to his closet grabbing pants and a white t-shirt.

"Okay sit up" I tell him and try to help him to the edge of the bed. "Lift up your arms up" He does and I drag up his shirt, throwing it near the hamper.

"If you wanted my clothes off you could have just said something" I think he means for it to sound sexy, but with the smell of alcohol flooding my lungs I find I hard to get well _hard._

"No honey, right now I want to get your ready for bed" I say as I struggle to get off his pants.

"Wait..? Bed?" He asks as if he's never heard of such thing. "That doesn't sound like fun".

He then grabs me by my waist and an flips me so my backs against our bed and he's straddling me.

"..But this is" he finishes as he pushes our lips together along with our hips. I feel like pushing him off, but he feels so good. I gain enough composer tear my lips from his.

"Stop... ahhh..Blaine please" He attached his lips to my neck, licking that one spot.

"No really stop." I start to push him off, but he's a lot stronger.

"Come on babee, let's do it".

"No Blaine not tonight"

"Why because you think your fat? Well you're not okay so let do _it_" Ouch. Did he really just bring that up? Like what? He knows I _hate_ myself and he's willing to bring _that_ up? I finally push him off.

"That was low" I glare at him. He looks up shocked, I believe not because of what I said but that he wasn't expecting me to move.

"You know I don't like my body and you think you saying how I'm 'not fat' is going to make me suddenly take off my pants?"I'm absolutely appalled. He continues to look at me like a confused puppy, and then what I least expect to happen, happens. He gets angry.

"What the hell am I suppose to do..._Kurt._ You don't like your self but no matter how many times I tell you how beautiful and sexy you are you don't seem to comprehend it. But _sorrry_ I just want to have sex with my boyfriend! Is that such a bad thing?" There's a long dull silence, only filled by cars driving outside.

"The fact...that _t__hat_ is your reasoning is just so fuck up." And I leave the bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

**Yay! What an emotional roller coaster, sad, happy, sexy, angry. Anyway hope people enjoy reading this**! **Please review. -Grace**


	8. Chapter 8

**Fuckk. Yeah? You too. So I know it's been like forever since I last posted but I kinda, maybe, possible (definitely) got tired of this story. But I didn't want to be a bitch and just leave it where it was and there is soo much I wanted to do with the story I just don't have time. Also this is in some weird third person POV instead of the original way I wrote the other chapters. Well anyway I just want you all to know I will end the story I won't just leave it alone. Enjoy!**

Kurt laid on the couch and cried. He just cried and cried; griping the blade in his hand. He hadn't gotten any sleep that night and bringing his head from his pillow to glance at the clock he noticed it was four in the morning. He was exhausted and he just wanted to stop thinking about the night before.

After storming out of their room he had headed for the door to leave but Blaine had followed him out making it his mission to stop him.

_"What is your problem?!" _he had screamed.

_"How is what I said fuck'd up?" _he had continued, slurring his words. _"I just wanna be with you, is that such a b..b- bad thing?! Really it should be taken as a complement!"_

The conversation had gone on for about a half an hour of Blaine yelling things, things Kurt never would have imagined Blaine saying and Kurt staying absolutely silent Looking into those hazel eyes that use to hold so much love, and now were only filled with...hate, fury, anger. He barely heard any of what Blaine said but just as he was snapping out of his dazie he heard it. A soft, almost breathless whisper.

_"Useless.." _Blaine had murmured, before walking to the bed room. Kurt head had snapped up at the second, his heart stop. The man who owned his heart thought he was useless. Kurt's legs gave out and he lowered him self to the floor, his back propped up against the door. He was so stupid. _Blaine_, the one person he thought wouldn't hurt him, had given him the most pain. Kurt knew deep down that Blaine was drunk and probably wouldn't remember anything in the morning. He would be the same cheerful adorable boyfriend and lover to Kurt. Always showering him with compliments and reminding him that he was the most special person but that was when he wasn't drunk. Then all when to shit.

He got up and headed back to their bedroom. Blaine was already passed out on the bed and Kurt made sure he was on his side and a glass of water was on the night stand right next to two ibuprofen. He then went to the bathroom and found his razor, broke it so he could easily remove the blade, grabbed a pillow and blanket and went to the couch.

And that brings him to where he is now, on the couch exhausted from no sleep, arm sting with deep right lines and a couple carved hearts, and his mind completely lost. He couldn't hate Blaine, he was right in the end. Kurt was inevitable useless, he never did anything right. Being gay, flaunting him self untill his bully kissed him, letting his weight slip and get out of control, but he still couldn't understand what he did wrong to Blaine. He thought he had been a great boyfriend with recently keeping his weight under average, never flirting with other guys, and always reminding Blaine how perfect he was. But it wasn't enough.

He pulled himself off the couch, already knowing he wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep, turned on the TV as background noise and started to think about what he would say when Blaine woke up.

* * *

Blaine eyes slowly got use to the sunlight streaming through the curtains, he brought his eyes up to rub them open. Looking over to the other side of the bed he was sadly disappointed to not find his beautiful boyfriend laying there asleep. He did however see the ibuprofen set on the night table reminding him how much his head was actually hurting. He popped the two pills into his mouth downing them with the glass of water. Slowly standing up he started to head to the living room. When he entered he was surprised to see Kurt up and running around a kitchen wearing loose-fitting sweats and an even looser fitting long sleeve t-shirt. There was a mess everywhere, and powder that covered the Kurt forehead right near his hair.

"Good morning Honey!" He greeted Blaine kissing my check and sending him a smile before going back to the food, something about it was off.

"...Good morning?" Blaine responded curiously. "You made all of this?" he spoke again, pointing all the food in front of him.

"Yes, I figured you'd be hungry so..."His sentence trailed off.

"Yeah, how did last night go? I kinda spaced after my fifth drink." Blaine was wondering what exactly he did to make Kurt act so weird. God he hoped he hadn't flirted with someone else or something, only know how insecure Kurt had been lately.

"Umm.. We went home and..," Kurt was being carefull about the words he chose, " You were really tired and just crashed.

Blaine knew with was a total lie but he chose not to question it this second, he wasn't feeling that good from his hangover and didn't want to know really how much of an asshole he was last night. Just as he was about to sit down and ask what there Saturday plans were he saw the bright pink skin that peeked out of Kurt's long sleeve that could only mean one thing.

**Ooh cliff hanger, I know I'm a bitch for not updating forever and then giving you this...Anyway what do you think? Bored? Happy? Review tell me if you love or hate. As always I hope you enjoyed. Love you all!**

**-Grace**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys, going to make this quick but I hope you liked the last one. And I'll be trying to update more often. So enjoy!**

"Kurt.." Blaine's voice was soft and caring. "Let me see your arm". He finished and extended his arm to take Kurt's, but before he could Kurt had quickly stepped back out of reach.

"What are you doing?" Kurt snapped, with a appalled look on his face.

"There's something on your arm that I want to see" He said again this time a little more curiously.

"It- It's nothing, just this scratch I got last night at the club" The lie came so quickly to Kurt and he went back to his cooking. Blaine knew Kurt was lying and that he didn't was to continue the conversation but he knew better than to let this go.

"Kurt I want to see your arm" Blaine said gently, and then when he didn't respond Blaine started to get mad. "Now Kurt!" Blaine yelled.

"No" Kurt hissed. He started to walk away, but Blaine grabbed his arm and pulled him back forcing him to look him in the eyes.

"No Kurt! I'm tired of you constantly running away for me." Blaine yelled, and suddenly Kurt flinched.

That's all it was a small quiver in his eye brow, closing of his eyes and then glistening with tears as they was a long silence after Blaine let go of Kurt's arm, they just look at each other. Who knew that two people who loved each other so much could be so far away from one another emotionally.

Blaine hunched his shoulders, his face etched with confusion and hurt, "Are...Are you...Kurt did you think I was going to hit you?"

"..No" Kurt answered softly. Nothing in his voice assure Blaine. Kurt literally thought Blaine was going to hit him. Blaine, the man that would drop anything, anyone, the world, for Kurt in a second.

"We need to sit down...and actually talk...Kurt. Because I don't think I've ever felt so far away from you," Blaine's voice started to crack like it does when he cries, "It's like I don't even know you anymore...If you're mad, or hurt, or god forbid don't want to be in this relationship anymore you need to tell me. Okay? I can't just sit here confused as all get out and have you expect me to make everything better when I don't know what's upsetting you. So let's just sit down on the couch and talk...Please.".

"Okay...We'll talk." Was Kurt's only response and he walked into the living room.

Blaine took a deep breath running his hands over his face and through his hair. He just wanted to know how to get his old sarcastic, witty, hilarious, fun-loving Kurt back. This Kurt was mean, quite, almost apathetic to his own feelings and it was really starting to worry Blaine.

He stepped into the living room and sat on the couch right next to Kurt so there thighs were pressed against each other. Kurt tried moving over but was already near the edge. Blaine grabbed both of Kurt's hand with his, slowly dragging his thumb over the top. His gently guided Kurt's left arm into his lap and pulled up the sleeve. As the sleeve got higher and higher more red lines appeared, some faded and thin while other were darkred and still new.

"I'm sorry.." Kurt's voice was dry. When he looked up to meet Blaine's eye all that was there was pain. Not because Blaine necessarily was hurt by the thought that Kurt did in but more in the fact that he could believe he hadn't noticed it. First it was the eating thing, he had been so stupid to think after one week it would have all gotten better. But the idea that Kurt thought he couldn't tell Blaine...that hurt a lot.

"I'm not mad at you Kurt" Blaine replied bringing one hand up to cress Kurt's face. "Just tell me why?"

"Well it was mostly..." Kurt took a second to breath, " Mostly a way to pun- ppunish myself for eating so much." Kurt's eyes were pink and rimmed with tears. "I was- am really scared you are going to leave me and that," _Sniff_, "I am not good enough for you."

"_Kurt_, if anything you deserve better than me-"

"No! Stop saying stuff like that just to make me feel better your just making it worse! Your always either throwing complements in my face or-"

"Kurt I'm sorry, please stop crying I hate to see you cry" Blaine stared to wipe away the tears that were steaming down Kurt's face, leaving his checks pink and sensitive.

"Or your...your being a drunk idiot..." Kurt finished his interrupted sentence.

That comment abashed Blaine but yet he was still confused about why Kurt was bring it up now.

"Wait..Did something happen yesterday at the bar?" Blaine asked

"N-Not necessarily at the bar.."Kurt stalled

"Okay then. At home. What happened Kurt?" Blaine was starting to grow angry about the fact that first Kurt hadn't told him about the real events of last night and how his continued to drag out telling him.

"Well you..you.. it's nothing Blaine, honestly lets just drop it"

No Kurt I'm not going to drop it. This is important, obviously something I did upset you I want to know what." Blaine insisted.

"_Maybe if you stopped getting drunk you would remember how mean you are when you drink_..." Kurt mumbled

"What?" Blaine questioned not hearing what Kurt had said.

"I said 'Maybe if you stopped getting drunk you would remember how mean you are when you drink'" Kurt barked. _God_ Kurt thought moving his face and hands out of Blaine's and running them over his eyes, _What was he going to do?_

"Kurt please tell me what I did"

"Okay" And so Kurt told Blaine everything that had happened the previous night. About how they got home and Blaine being a little..frisky. How when Kurt denied him he could angry and finally about how Blaine had called him Useless and then went to the room and crashed. By then Kurt and Blaine were both sobbing, unable to hold back any longer. Kurt was resting against Blaine chest.

"I'm so sorry Kurt...so fucking sorry" Blaine cried.

"Blaine it's okay-"

"No it's not-"

"But it will be okay because I love you and I want to get better okay"

"Kurt, just... I love you so so much" And when Kurt looked up into Blaine's eyes the look there showed it was true and that itself made Kurt finally believe him.

**So yay happy endings! Just want to mention that I am so thankful for all the lovely review you guys have left me, you all are so amazing!**

**Well not ending there will be more ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

**So I wrote again. This one focuses more on other things that I hinted about in pass chapters and not so much on Kurt's disorder. Enjoy.**

Kurt felt happy. For the first time in so long. He was just slowly starting to wake up the couch which had formed around him and he could feel Blaine sitting by his feet. He looked up to see what he already knew; Blaine sitting on the couch next to him. Curled up against the arm rest, phone held up to his ear, Blaine whispered softly to the person on the other end.

"No...no. I'm sorry but we can't...I can't do this anymore."Blaine whipered.

Kurt heard a muffled reply from the other person on the phone about 'meeting up' and 'talking'. And that's when Kurt remembered from weeks ago,

_"Yeah, totally he has no idea. Of course I won't tell him"_

_"Kurt.. That was nothing, well something but is unimportant right now"_

He remembers how before Blaine found out about all the problems Kurt was going through Blaine had kept a secret from him. What was it? Another man? A better man, one without problems, one who was perfect, perfect for Blaine? One that Blaine was willing to leave Kurt for.

"It's just not a good time, he's going through a lot and I don't think he could handle it if I told him". Apparently Blaine felt at least a little bad about was he was doing.

"Yeah, thanks. Yeah maybe in a month or two I'll hint about it and see how he would feel about it" What? Now Kurt was really confused. If Blaine was hooking up with someone else he would know exactly how Kurt would feel about it...So Blaine couldn't be cheating. But then what was he keeping from him. What would be a bad thing to bring up. And how was it related to this person Blaine was always talking to.

Kurt was starting to get a headache from all the questions rushing though his brain. By now Blaine had gotten off the phone and was standing up, stretching his legs. He looked down at Kurt, whose eyes were still closed, and appeared to be sleeping. He brought hes hand to Kurt's shoulder and lightly shook him awake.

"Hey sleepy head, you need to wake up or you won't get any sleep tonight" He said with a goofy smile.

Kurt opened his eyes and sat up, "Yeah your right. How long was I asleep?"

"About an hour and a half, it almost ten-thirty".

He wanted to ask how long Blaine had been lying to him. All the questions before were beginning to swim through his head like hundreds of fish in a tiny pond. But they were all forgotten when Blaine, with a somewhat hesitant smile, said

"I think we should go out for lunch".

_Oh shit. _"Um.. Totally. Yeah. Lets go" Kurt finished hesitantly.

* * *

Once they got to the diner and were seated. Kurt blurted out what he was wanting to ask since the morning. He had held it in all morning as they got ready and thought out the entire car ride.

"Who were you on the phone with?" He said loudly but his voice still unsteady.

Blaine, who was taking a drink of his soda, set it down with a bewildered look. "..What..What are you talking about?" he asked truly confused, that is until it hit him, " Oh. That."

"Yes. That." Kurt replied sharply

"Kurt it not what you think".

"Just tell me it's not another guy..."

"What!" He practically screamed, causing a few another people eating to look their way. Lowering his voice he spoke again, "You think I'm cheating on you?"

"Well... At first I sorta thought that you might be...," Kurt was having trouble finding words, "But then this morning you told the person on the phone you would ask me about something and then I thought that 'No he would ask me about you cheating' so then I just got confused," By now Kurt was full on ranting not even wasting a second to breath, " so I've been really wanting to ask so now I have..." He ended lamely.

"...I-i...can't even fathom the idea...of _cheating _on you _Kurt_."

"So what is it then? What are you hiding from me!" Kurt barked, thrusting his hands toward Blaine in questioning.

"Right now is not the time to talk about this.." Blaine quaked looking down into his lap, away from Kurt's eyes.

"I don't care, I want to know" Kurt hissed back.

Looking around Blaine gulped, "Kurt...please stop. Were in public"

"What now your embarrassed to be seen with me?" Kurt shouted

"Kurt your really over reacting and you need to calm down" He insisted

"I'm not going to calm down until you tell me!" Once again people started to look over, cause a waitress to come over.

"Excuse me but if you don't quite down I'm going to have to ask you both to leave" She said with polite tone.

"Yes ma'am, sorry. While be quieter." Blaine said, changing his mood from angry to dapper.

"Thank you." she replied and walked about.

Blaine looked at Kurt with a disapproving look.

"Do you really want to know..?" Blaine said, completely down with it all.

"_Yes._"

"Fine." he replied with defeat. Reaching into his pocket, taking out a tiny black box, and setting it on the table.

"_That's _what I was hiding" he sneered, tears hanging on the edge of his eyes. He stood up and walk out the of the diner, heading back to the car. Kurt was left at the table, eyes wide in complete shocked Not believing what had just happened

**I put a lot of emphasis on how Blaine wouldn't cheat because I think Glee took the easiest way to break up Kurt and Blaine with cheating. I mean really. Any who, I hope you liked it and as always please review. I live for your guys feedback.**


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